Not Good Enough.

Well, last time I blogged was about a week ago.

Life seems to be consistently getting harder. It’s getting mad hard to keep up with everything.

My relationship with God is slowly getting weaker. I want to get in a fight for no reason and no harsh feelings to see how I would do. LOL

Ugh, not very good. I have to get back to step one, being faithful in the little things. Now that I think about it, that’s probably a reason I titled my blog “Step by Step.” Lately, I haven’t been keeping up with my quiet times, everything/ everyone seems to be “worsening” and it’s affecting me like no other.

I feel as if my faith in humanity has decreased significantly. The open trust that I have for people has changed a lot. My optimism about life is dwindling.

Reality has never struck me so hard:

I am a human being, living in such a “corrupted” world filled with good people, bad people, rapists, prostitutes, medical workers, lawyers, sinners. I realized, we all have our differences, but all in all, we’re pretty similar. I’m hating on people do different things, act different, and look different, yet we all have junk in our life’s. I’m getting so tired of some people, school, etc. It seems the drama that people deal with is so pointless and unneeded. Life is hard as it is, why make it harder than it has to be? There’s so much more important things going on.

When did our values move towards such frivolous things, such as high school relationships, gossip, etc.   I miss life when the only thing I complained about was not being able to find my crayon sharpener. Why does the world have to tell one that they are not good enough? Telling one that they don’t look right, they don’t think right, they are not right. I hate those commercials showing how “product A” can “fix” you.  Gnawing at the inconsistencies and non-constants between people and using them for capital; advertisements always seem to annoy me. I hate how ads make perfectly fine looking men and women and points feel worse by showing a “perfect” girl. So many women have been pushed to the limit to try to make themselves look better, just to be approved by society’s standards. That’s dumb. You’re fine the way you are.

I’ve been reading Genesis lately, and I guess that’s why I’m typing this now. God made man and everything else and it was very good. He didn’t say just good, he said VERY GOOD.

<<< I miss this.

I can’t wait for turkey break.

“Christian.”

So for many of you who know me, yes I am a “Christian.”

Recently, while with many of my friends, religion came up as a topic. They were joking, but I still found it offensive; stating how I should donate money to some cause, I shouldn’t do this because it’s wrong, etc.  Amusingly, they said if I loved Jesus, I would yell out “Yes, I love my Jesus” when they would play “deep deep  oh deep down down” song in school. If they were being serious I probably would have done it willingly, but it didn’t seem as such.

I am a Christian, but I don’t like how it’s treated as a title. So many people in this world call themselves a Christian, yet so little try to live that kind of life. People tell me that they call themselves this and that, yet they still act like “everyone else”. Almost all the time, a title has a set of standards that follow.

What really irritates me is that people expect some specific standard on the way I should act. In a way, it’s accountability. In a way, it’s just trying to point out faults in the religion. It sucks. Sometimes non-Christians lead better lives than ones that are.

I apologize for my actions if it  has proved some point relating to all Christians being hypocrites or whatever. I don’t try to, but it happens. I’m a Christian, but I also am human. Which means I’m bound to make mistakes.

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So I blogged this in a somewhat annoyed mood. I do mean it, butnot completely.

There are currently 6,769,540,000+ people in this world. Apparently, 2,100,000 + are Christian… Really? I wouldn’t be so assured hearing those statistics. How many actually have touched a Bible, have been persecuted, or have done things that separate themselves from this world. I’ve realized that I myself have steered away from God. I don’t know how. It just happened. I’ve also realized that, I’ve just been complaining about everything. So many things have been left undone and unsaid, but I shouldn’t let that hinder me.

Gotta step up my game.

Crossroads.

I can’t believe it’s already November.  Retreat is just around the corner! But I don’t want to rely on it to give me a spiritual boost.  Right now, I’m at a crossroads. Is my life too comfy or is it just not that great, and I’m just ignoring things that irritate me. Life has been constantly throwing burdens at me, yet I don’t seem phased at all. Is it just my faith in God that’s getting me through? or just my indifferent attitude towards everything and/or anything. Right now, I keep thinking I should be stressed out.

I kind of phased in and out of the the past Sunday’s sermon, but one thing did reach the blankness of my mind. I think Pastor Peter was right when he said our YG is at a critical moment.Why am I, an older brother in Christ, doing nothing about this youth group that I care so dearly for. Not just the young kids, even though they do matter, but also the ones in my grade and my senior. It’s so hard sometimes to reach genuine worship. There are so many excessive things in my life that it’s getting so hard for me to concentrate on God. Is it just me or also my friends that are affecting my perspective on things? What’s worrying me more is that everyone seems to be distancing themselves more from God. Also, I feel like I’ve become distant from my emotions and others. Not like it just happened, but over a long period of time. Deep down inside, I know I care dearly for this youth group, but my lack of effort is truly bugging me.  Man.

Things that require little or no thought, have been very appealing to me. I guess this is why I enjoy doing that P90x, driving, or anything else rote. It helps me get my mind off things.  I guess it’s one of the only moments I don’t have to worry about the anxieties, problems, and issues of this world.

A few weeks ago, I had a dream that I don’t remember. But I did write down two words. Tripping and falling. I looked up what they might mean and this is what it came out to be.

Trip
To dream that you trip on something, indicates that something is out of order in your life. Things are not going as smoothly as your want as you are faced with minor obstacles.�Perhaps you are about to make a mistake in some waking decision.

Fall
To dream that you fall and are frightened, indicates a lack of control, insecurity, and/or lack of support in your waking life. You may be experiencing some major struggle and/or overwhelming problem. It may denote that you have failed to achieve a goal that you have set forth for yourself.

I think the first definition is somewhat true. I’m not sure about being frightened though.

I don’t even know what I’m typing right now. I’m just typing as things come to mind me.

It seems as the closer or more I learn about God, the more He’s leaving me to try my own. Man, it sucks maturing, but I guess it happens anyways. I do know that my Father is always there no matter how I am. It’s just the way I view Him.

Coming Soon.

So as you guys probably know, I hope, I’ve been reading through the New Testament. I’m almost finished reading through it. I’m nearing the end of Revelations, but man it’s such an intense book. Probably the most intense book of the Bible I’ve read in awhile.

Hebrews 10:6-7

If we deliberately keep on sinnning after we have received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrfice for sins is left, but only a fearful expectation of judgement and raging fire that will consume the enemies of God.

I think too many of us take advantage of “grace.” I hate it when people know that they’re sinning and just say “Oh, I’ll just ask God to forgive me later.” Maybe not in those exact words, but you know. What would happen when it’s too late? I just find it, somewhat, annoying.

Anyways, as I was reading Revelations, it showed me just how powerful God is and how gracious He is. I get blown away by the devastation that God brings on the world. Thousands of years of anger, wrath, and pain that God has held up against us. When the Bible says God is slow to anger and abounding in love, I think it’s pretty darn true. His wrath made the earth quake, the sun dim, and leveled mountains and hills.

In a way, this has helped my relationship with God. God isn’t just someone who I talk to whenever I feel like it, but He’s someone that’s patiently waiting for me and will wait until that “one” day. What a scary day it will be.  Just the sheer scope of His power is something that I cannot comprehend. When I think about it, I actually get somewhat scared. Haha. But man, hopefully I’ll be alive during that time. That’d be mad intense, haha.

I found it somewhat funny when Pastor Matt talked about a fraction of God’s wrath yesterday and how He let it out all on His Son. Man.  When things are put in perspective I feel so small and insignificant, but I’m overjoyed by the fact that even though I’m so small, dumb, and close minded God still loves me.

Revelations 21: 3-4

As I heard a loud voice from the Throne saying, “Now the dwelling of eGod is with men, and He will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things have passed away.

Pure comfort.

Future Advice.

Don’t you hate those moments when you get frustrated and do say things you don’t mean? I don’t really say anything harsh, but the way I act towards my parents sometimes. I use them so many times as merely a scapegoat in my life. They put up with my ignorance, stupidity, and anything else negative about me.

The past Sunday, the weekend of Pastor Peter’s ordination, I was left at church until 8 pm. I was pretty ticked. Originally, my dad told me his meeting would end around 6:30. I had to call my mom to pick me up. During that time, I just started ranting about how moments like that were reasons I need a car, or that we should move. Sometimes my ignorance amazes me.

As we got home, I was still ticked and I was hungry. One thing I love about my mother is her patience with me. Even after I ranted to my mother, who probably wasn’t in a good mood, she made me a pretty darn good steak and cheese sandwhich. Being myself, I can’t stay mad for a very long time. As I was just venting, I remembered Sunday’s sermon on James 4.

¹What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? ²You want something but don’t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. ³When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.

When I read that I crucially got owned. That Sunday, I came to church early for some reason, I was talking to Pastor John and asked him what his sermon would be about. It went something like this :

“Hey, Pastor John, what are you doing downstairs?”

“Hey, Nathan, I’m actually going to be giving a sermon for the youth group.”

“Oh, really?! what is it going to be on?”

“It’s going to be on anger, arguments, and things like that. It doesn’t really apply for now, but in the future you’ll be able to apply it.”

But when I read this my “tickedness” immediately left me. Boy it really did apply for me. I guess it was a smack in the face by God, haha. I’ll make sure to use that passage for future reference.

For God so Loved.

I’m sore and tired, but I feel good. Pretty much, lately I’ve trying to tune myself out from the world with music, minute tasks, and other superfluous things, but it’s aight.  Previously, the songs that echoed throughout  my thick head were two songs: Ask Myself- Sam Ock and The One Thing- Paul Colman.

Here’s a part of the lyrics for Ask Myself:

Oh lord

I pray for my heart astray

Far away from caring about you

And I hear your words from another verse

Still I simply am unmoved

Can I really say that I love You?

Honestly I really don’t know

I wouldn’t say it’s to that extreme, but it’s relatively close. I’m not gonna paste lyrics from The One Thing, but it’s a song about how no matter what trials, doubts, etc hit you, you’ll never question Him.

During Sunday’s “surprise sermon” I think it was one of the few times in a long time where I was able to, I guess, understand what was going on. We overlook things so easily. Things go by so quickly, we don’t give it time to think. I’ve read books on this, yet I still never made the connection. Books such as The Giver and Fahrenheit 451. In these books, society takes pleasure in such fleeting trivialities that they never take a chance to think.

I was never able to fully understand John 3:16 until Sunday. I actually got a little teary-eyed as I read the verse.

John 3:16

For God so loved the world, He gave His one and only son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life.

I think us, as Christians, Humans, and anything in between, have the tendency to tune things out. When Pastor Peter put it in terms that could help me comprehend this verse, I was astonished. If I had a one child, that I loved dearly loved, and was well past the good years(joking) I think I would rather have myself die, than to go through that pain. Seeing your child beaten, mocked, humiliated, etc. would just break me down. I would much rather take the pain than have my own flesh and blood. On top of that, witness your child bleeding and ultimately suffocation from one’s own weight.

What’s even more astonishing is that He did that for you and me. How much more must He love us to give up His son. Maybe it might not impact you like it did for me, but yeah. haha

Why is it so cold?!? BRRRR.

Distractions.

So many distractions in my life. So many things are going on in my life, that I feel like my relation with God is getting weaker. This is probably the first time I’ve actually had a reality check. I’m actually shocked that I can focus on one thing. Since when did my calm life get so busy? I’ve been finding myself drowning in music just to keep my mind off of things that truly matter. I’m not even thinking about the things that truly matter to me, but just the small insignificant, unimportant things in my life.  I would say I would want time to stop but then I would find myself thinking about what is going on. These thoughts as I type this, are filling my head. That one focused thing is already gone. I’ve found myself yearning for God. Why is that when my life is going at its best, and yet I still try to maintain my relationship with Him, it’s the most hardest? I think I’m becoming too selfish or comfortable with my life. This complacency is getting higher and higher, and that’s probably why I’m in such a indifferent mood. MAN.

I wouldn’t take this blog in a negative way, but more of a analytical one. I feel as though I’m reverting back to my old self that relied on more on logic than on anything else.  I guess what’s keeping me in the now is Jeremiah 24:7:

I will give them a heart to know me, that I am the LORD. They will be my people, and I will be their God, for they will return to me with all their heart.

That verse brought me such joy and as I think back on it, I catch myself smiling.

I know I can’t deny my Father, but for some reason that once was, isn’t what it use to be. Not really sure. Besides that, I feel as if God is opening up many new opportunities to me. Right now, even though God doesn’t seem as “close,” I still find myself trying to grasp Him, trying to do His work, searching.

(I blogged most of this a few days ago, but it’s funny how things can transform in a matter of days.  Haha, to me this post seems to be somewhat bipolar. But it’s ’cause as I wrote this  and as I blogged I just added more to it.)

Cast your cares on the LORD
and he will sustain you;
he will never let the righteous fall.

Psalms is always good.

Finding Myself.

School’s been, great. Actually, greatest year so far. I’m pretty surprised. I’ve find myself diverging from the general Korean populous and sitting myself with more than just Korean kids. Aha. Feels great. SAT classes are starting though. Madness. I thought SATs were around two hours. Four hours is insane.

Lately, I’ve been in a kind of musical phase. I’ve been trying to explore myself to what tastes of music appeal to me, and what doesn’t. I like listening to people like Jack Johnson, Robin Thicke, Jason Mraz, and other similar artists. But it seems to me as I’ve been listening to other artists, that I’m getting into more hip-hop and bass heavy music.  I also seem to gravitate towards instrumental music, mainly guitar and piano. Odd I know.

Yeah, anyways, as I was reading through Hebrews, I was so comforted.

Hebrews 8:10b- I will be their God, and they will be my people.

This verse is ridiculously similar to Jeremiah 24:7. I guess that’s why it just sticks out to me.

Hebrews 10:16-17- This is the covenant I will make with them after that time, says the Lord. I will put my laws in their hearts, and I will write them on their minds. Then he adds: Their sins and lawless acts I will remember no more.

Sometimes, the question “How can God love me, even though I’m such a sinner?” I think this helps alleviate the pain.

Hebrews 13:8 - Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.

I just love the fact that the same Savior that died is the same one that loves us today and always will.

Hebrews 11:1- Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

Enough said.

During the revival, Sherry Wood told us a story about a boy learning how to pray. His prayer went like this:

Dear Jesus,

Amen.

I’m so glad I have a Savior that I can shout out to.

I also realized, I seriously have to stop worrying about consequences so much. I find myself over analyzing a given instance for a good while. In bed, I sometimes find myself thinking so much that I can’t sleep. As I pray, do quiet times, etc. I find myself drifting with spiritual ADD. I’ve even pondered why I’m over-thinking. Odd. But lately it’s been getting better. I think .. less? Not sure if that’s a good thing though. aha.

Written Prayers.

So basically, it has been a little over three years since I started “this.” “This” is my prayer journal.  My first “prayer” is written on 3/12/07!  Geez. I started it I guess, because sometimes I get spiritual ADD.  I would get mad distracted. I sometimes caught myself staring into nowhere. It sucks when sometimes you phase out and then you see someone looking at you. At first, I started it as just one word or maybe just a small phrase.  Just to summarize what I’ve been thinking. Later, one word felt like such a restriction so it went from words to pages. It’s kind of tight. Some of the prayers, I’ve “prayed,”  have been answered. Some haven’t. But it may take awhile, but I’m fine with waiting. As I just read some of the thing I’ve written it just makes me grin at how immature I was I’ve grown. Man, I was a needy child back then. Aha, ” 9/3, help me wake up on time.” LOL. That was two years ago I think? I prayed for so many things that I could have done on my own. It reminds me of the distress and how I called out for the Lord so much. I can almost recall what was going through my mind at the time of writing this. Not that 9/3 prayer, but just everything in general.

I just love how I can see how God has done work in my life. “4/14/07, Lord, please just reassure my faith…” Funny, I’m at the point where I don’t think I can deny my faith. I can see that over time my prayers became less selfish. While reading this, it turns from just about me, myself, and I to my church, family, youth group, etc. Even though it’s been quite awhile, my hand writing has improved slightly. Though, slightly is an overstatement. If you probably consider me “close” or vice versa your name is probably in here. If we’ve had a few “talks” it’s probably in here. You may be suprised. You can just ask me. If you ask me and it’s not… Sorry, haha, it will be soon.

Most recent thing I’ve written:

9/08/09, You have saved us because of grace & not from our rigteousness.

I think I wrote this after reading Titus. It’s sort of like a testimony over three years time. It just amazes me at how much can happen.

Maybe some of you have seen it. I hope not, haha. It’s normally on my nightstand. It’s nothing flashy, just like a small notebook. You guys should try it. Just write down some of your thoughts and whatever else is going on in your life. It’s helped me vent.

JUNIORRR Year.

Junior year so far has been pretty sweet. My schedule is pretty chill. Teachers are really cool.  So far, probably the hardest class is going to be Calculus. I don’t know why but.. I’ve gotta feeling… I”ll stop. Haha. I still haven’t been hit with “Junior Stress,” then again it is only been the first week of school. It’s weird though, I feel like everything is going well, but I don’t really like it [ as a Christian?] I feel like I’m going to get owned by life with that statement. But yeah, when my life seems to be going great I feel odd.

But one thing I have to just keep in mind that God can take all my joy away or just make my life the best thing ever. Yet, I should still praise God. I really don’t want God to be on the backseat while I’m enjoying life. I don’t want Him to just be something I rely on when I’m down.

The world over — 50,000,000 children start playing tennis, 5,000,000 learn to play tennis, 500,000 learn professional tennis, 50,000 come to the circuit, 5000 reach the grand slam, 50 reach Wimbledon, 4 to semi final, 2 to the finals, When I was holding a cup I never asked GOD “Why me?”. And today in pain I should not be asking GOD “Why me?” – Arthur Ashe.

Chris Kim from Battlefield if you’re reading this, I read this off your Facebook. HAHAHA yeah I know I just killed that “Basically… CRUCIALLY MAD TIGHT PEACE” moment. My apologies.

But also as this school year continues, I want to have a Christ-like mindset. I don’t want to sit with all Korean kids because I get too comfortable. Plus, I just get embarassed sometimes. But I actually want to ask people about their beliefs/non-beliefs. I want to stand in my faith, proudly. I hope I can actually put my thoughts into action.

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So today, I babysat kids. Kids are violent monsters.